Living without Them

You know that image of a quote found on Pinterest and Facebook that states, “Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well, look at you, living and sh*t.” Yeah…I really like that quote.

There was a person in my life not so long ago, whom I truly felt I couldn’t live without. This person lifted me up when I was down. They would stay up late listening to my rants and reassure my mind whenever anxiety made its hostile appearance. We helped each other through the bad times. We laughed at each other’s jokes. Going too long without hearing from them actually hurt. This person made me feel special. Worthy. Loved.

This person isn’t in my life anymore.

My Female Guy Best Friend (Happy Pride Month!)

When I finished 5th grade, my dad decided it would be beneficial to move out of our small city and into a small town. His plan was to buy a house in the village, so that I’d be able to walk to school. I was furious and defiant for awhile, because I couldn’t get out of my head what might’ve been if we’d stayed. Spoiler alert: I ended up loving that small town and making friendships that I wouldn’t have traded for anything in the world.

One of those friends was a guy, who, for the sake of his privacy, I’ll simply call “J.” We started talking and hanging out in 7th grade, and by our senior year, we had become the type of best friends who told each other everything and felt nothing but comfort when we held each other closely. We dealt with our breakups this way, sometimes crying together. J lived in the village too, so I hung out with him often. We’d grab a bite to eat, watch Youtube videos at the library, or go for walks, just talking and enjoying each other’s company.

I cheered him on during our high school musicals over the years (after being in two of them myself with him and some other friends), so I was ecstatic when he landed the lead role of Seymour in Little Shop of Horrors for our final performance before graduation. Since 2016 was an election year, and we had several classes together, we spent most of our days practicing our Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders impressions, and discussing politics with our girl friends in the art room during study hall. After school, we ran the town with our friend group, which we liked to call “Temp Squad” (a mutual friend of ours liked his girl best friend, but she told him she wanted something temporary, so we teased him and made the joke that our friend group would never be).

Now, fast forward to my last year of college in 2020. Re-read those paragraphs and switch all of J’s pronouns to “she,” because it turns out my dear guy friend was not a guy friend at all. She now represents herself as a beautiful trans woman, and I am planning on seeing her for the first time in two years very soon.

I Don’t Understand Females.

I’ve always been the type of girl to get along better with guys. I’ve had several female friends over the years, but most of those friendships have long since deteriorated, and the closest I’ve ever gotten to having a group of female friends was with my two emo buddies senior year. One of them I’m still friends with to this day, and the other spread false rumors about me a month after I left for college. Do you see my dilemma?

I always see girls in groups at school and on social media, laughing and complimenting each other. Goofing around in a room with guy friends as we get into our game of Pathfinder, and enjoying dinnertime with my dudes almost every day at school, I feel happy. But I look around at all the clumps of girls everywhere and nervously wonder…am I supposed to have that?

I Trust too Easily (gettin’ personal)

All my life, I have held people to a high standard. I have expected more than I’ve been given. I’ve always thought that if I had a close friendship with someone, they would never hurt or leave me. I had always assumed that if someone who meant a lot to me told me how they felt and promised it was true, then it must be true. But people aren’t always the way you expect them to be. You may think you know someone, but that doesn’t mean they won’t break your heart.

There are so many people I will never stop caring about who just don’t seem to care about me anymore. I lost or grew apart from so many friends after starting college. I got my heart broken by the boy who promised me forever, rumors were spread around my hometown about me by one of my closest girl friends, one of the town bums tried to get revenge on me for not going out with him or giving him what he wanted, people I had hung out with everyday in school stopped talking to me, and one of my very own best friends pretty much cut me out of her life. All of these people meant something to me. They still do.