college, college life, Friends, life, New Blog

I Trust too Easily (gettin’ personal)

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All my life, I have held people to a high standard. I have expected more than I’ve been given. I’ve always thought that if I had a close friendship with someone, they would never hurt or leave me. I had always assumed that if someone who meant a lot to me told me how they felt and promised it was true, then it must be true. But people aren’t always the way you expect them to be. You may think you know someone, but that doesn’t mean they won’t break your heart.

There are so many people I will never stop caring about who just don’t seem to care about me anymore. I lost or grew apart from so many friends after starting college. I got my heart broken by the boy who promised me forever, rumors were spread around my hometown about me by one of my closest girl friends, one of the town bums tried to get revenge on me for not going out with him or giving him what he wanted, people I had hung out with everyday in school stopped talking to me, and one of my very own best friends pretty much cut me out of her life. All of these people meant something to me. They still do.

My first year of college has been…rough. For a long time, I had the lowest self-esteem. I didn’t think I was good enough. Obviously I wasn’t good enough for anyone who had walked out on me. I’ve got to say: it really hurts when the people you love decide they don’t want you anymore. That they can live without you. That they can walk away and no longer speak to you. So many times this past year, I was left asking why people got up and left me. I didn’t understand what I had done wrong, but I thought it must somehow be my fault. I questioned just how good of a person I was. How sad it is for another person to be able to leave you and leave you thinking that you’re nothing. And if not nothing, then a bad person.

I’ve always thought that friends would stay because that’s what friends are supposed to do. But not all people are like that, whether you consider them friends or not. You can’t expect anyone to act a certain way or always be there for you. It doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person, and it doesn’t mean that there aren’t good people out there.

I bounced back by working on gaining self-esteem as I started talking to a school counselor (if you’re considering seeing a professional but you’re nervous or unsure, I suggest you do it. It’s helpful and nothing to be ashamed of), working out more, and focusing on the friends who didn’t leave and those in my life currently. When things are bad, spend time with the people who make you feel joy. Take the time to do things that make you happy. Learn to not dwell on the negative. Find your inner peace. I have been working on all of these things, and I am in a much better place than I was a few months ago. It has become easier for me to accept things that cause harm, I am more grateful for what and who I have, I don’t hate on myself anymore, I see beauty in the world and my daily life, and I keep in mind that life is bigger than my problems at hand.

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